Do you want to sustain your friendship and grow in the process? if you do please stay with me.
Do you know that the best place to grow is in the place of friendship and relationships? As we learn to build lasting friendships, we also build character and mature into strong responsible and accountable adults. The moment you start isolating, refusing to be in the lives of others even as you allow them into yours, you deny yourself of the opportunity to learn new things every day. God Himself who made man saw that it was not good for him to be alone and so made the woman as a help meet for him. Genesis 2:18 [KJV] “And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him”. I believe we all have friends meet for us and we must never relent in searching till we find them. Once you find one of such friends your life becomes sweet. I just like this quote from Anna Taylor on friendship
There are lifelong virtues and relational skills that causes relationships to thrive. It is as we engage in relationships that we learn and relearn these skills. No wonder most reclusive people feel like they do not fit in because they lack social skills and so isolate even more. Making friends might be easy for some of us, but not for some others. We must therefore be emphatic and cut them a slack so they can be encouraged to come out from their nests and start engaging.
Let us now look at the 12 factors that enhance friendship and promote personal growth.
- Time – Create time for your friend or friends and stay Connected
Schedule time for friendship related activities. Let your friends know and feel your presence in their lives. There is nothing as disheartening as being in a relationship where you are barely remembered. You seem to be the only one who calls, remembers birthdays and planned events and checks always especially when the friend is sick or going through challenges. If all friends will stay committed to being there for one another, the world will be less depressing and a better place to live. So be the one that stays sensitive and can be trusted to be there through thick and thin.
2, Communicate – Adequate Communication is key
Adequate communication is key to the survival of any friendship or relationship. No relationship survives without strong and effective communication. No one is a mind reader and what is left unsaid becomes what is left unresolved. Listening is a key communication skill and most times all your friends need is a listening ear especially when they are going through major challenges. So you ought to learn to listen more than you speak. [c1] You must also never assume things but clarify issues and thoughts by asking questions and getting feedbacks. It is so wrong to assume things about your friend or hinge your actions on any of your perceived assumptions about them. Mind reading is so wrong, always clear everything with a friend and act on facts and not assumptions or gossip.
3. Kindness- Remember the four gluing words in my last post – Caring, Nurturing, Giving and Loving.
All these gluing words are encompassed in the word kindness. In a world where everyone is going I love you to everyone, yet acts of cruelty flow from the same people that profess undying love for one another. I remember telling a friend, to stop calling me all the endearing words that have become clichés and have lost their meaning, but to simply show me kindness. I still laugh out loud any time I remember Bishop Charles Oluwajoba’s jab on men that deceive women with promises of love they have no intention of fulfilling. Daddy as we fondly call him always admonishes young women who get carried away by deceiving sweet talking men.
“Don’t be deceived by a man who tells you he will walk the desert for you but calls to tell you he will not keep an appointment with you because it is raining”. What an irony. One simple act of kindness means all the world to a friend than all the sweet words or unfulfilled promises. A call to check on a sick friend is cool but a visit to do a chore he or she is too weak to do is far cooler and kinder. And not to do any of the two does not show commitment to such friendship at all.
Friendship is about caring for one another’s wellbeing, giving of oneself and material things, nurturing and caring for each other when in pain and showing love even when friends do not deserve them. Real friends show love even when they are not reciprocated. I love the part of the bible that says if you do good to only those that are good to you, what difference have you made as a child of God. Some of us are good in paying people back in their own coin, but true friendship should grow above retaliation. It must be about what would Jesus do [WWJD] for Christians so that your friends will see the power of your Jesus love in their lives.
4. Build Trust
Trust they say is the wheels on which friendship and other relationships run. If there is anything the world need now it is trust. Any failed system or relationship did so mostly for lack of trust. Even in our homes, children whose parents have not betrayed their trust thrive better in life especially in their relationship with them and others. John Gottman writing on Trust and Betrayal affirmed that “Trust isn’t just important for couples. It’s also vital to neighborhoods and states and countries. Trust is central to what makes human communities work ”. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/john_gottman_on_trust_and_betrayal
How often do you make promises that you have no intention of fulfilling? Many people are like that, but they do not know that with every failed promise comes lack of credence for any future promise they make. No one will hold you liable for a promise you never made. Stop trying to look good by making promises and not fulfilling them. It is better not to promise than to promise and not fulfill them. If, however you really intended to fulfill them but could not, you certainly can renegotiate than letting it pass without an apology or any form of explanation.
If friends trust you with their deepest secrets it is expected you keep them with you till you die, after all that is why it is called a secret. Some friends are so fickle that not only will they not keep it, they will spew it at you the very moment you upset them. Once you do this no friend will ever trust you with anything serious. To be trusted you must learn the rope of trust. Be a good confidant and keep your promise as much as you can.
5. Be Honest and Open
Honesty is the best policy. I grew up hearing this adage. This policy sure has helped me get through life. I remember my ex telling me that he is tired of hearing my truth and that I should lie to him, “that is what other women do” he said. Whattttt!!. Who does that, I said to myself, what does that even mean. How can anyone ask to be lied to, I moaned. A lot of people do not have the capacity to deal with the truth I said to myself. Well that is why it is called “the naked Truth” I will stalk off muttering under my breath. Some us will remember seeing people quarreling and when a mediator shows up, you will hear one person swearing and saying, “It is the naked truth I have been telling.
Truth really has the capacity to be naked and without clothes, no wonder some people do not want to see it in it’s nakedness. It seems everything these days are covered up in fancy clothes or garbs so they fit the nature of who they are told. Mine wanted it niced up, painted in colours of rainbow to suit him so I thought. But I did not get it then. I was immature and did not know how to deliver the truth in a loving and kind way so peace can reign and rule in our home. My late brother used to tell me then that I should be more diplomatic and tactful. I lacked tact and so my honest and openness lost it’s power. When criticizing what your friend has done wrong, be sure to frame it in a way that his or her feelings are not hurt.
What am really getting at here is that it is very important never to lie to your friends. Nobody likes being lied to. The more open and honest we are about ourselves, the more people around us especially friends are likely to be with us. Being open and transparent though, can have its own downer as some people also look for friends that make up things. People who lie to be larger than life are seen as happening but people who are themselves and do not embellish or pretend to be who they are not are seen not too hip or happening. But the truth, naked as it is, seems to stand the test of time any day, so stick with the truth and let the devil be damned.
6. Be grateful
A lot of people lately just take things for granted especially friends. People hardly say thank you to good deeds done them. Friends simply assume it is your responsibility to do good deeds for them. And most times those that are less appreciative are the ones that can hardly lift up helping hands when you need them. Some people think you were placed in their lives by God to meet all their needs while they just seat back and suck them in. Whaoo. Life is not like that friends. We are to help each other out and be very grateful always. You will be amazed at how a thank you to a friend for a favour received will multiply to more favours.
In God when you become more grateful, He gives you so much more. If you are in the habit of thanking God for all the things you take for granted, He will open your eyes to so much opportunities, so you can have more and pass on to others. I once had a friend who hardly ever says thank you no matter what you gave or did and at the end of the day that person turned out not to be a true friend.
7. Don’t be Pushy, be Patient
Impatience is the murder of anything good. So many people have lost out on really good friends and powerful opportunities for lack of patience. I have realized over time that the reason peopleare impatient with one another is because of high expectations. When your expectations of a friend far exceed what he or she has the capacity for, you loose your cool. Life for most of us will be a lot easier if we come to terms with the fact that people’s growth to maturity is not same as our’s. People grow at their pace and trying to hasten their growth to meet your expectations of them is a sure way to be frustrated. It is also same when you push yourself too hard.
I think the reason people push themselves and others too hard is because they are forever comparing themselves with others. I like the way the good book addressed this issue. 2nd Corinthians 10:12 says “ We do not have the audacity to put ourselves in the same class or compare ourselves with some who [supply testimonials to] commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they lack wisdom and behave like fools”. You see, you ought to be patient, less pushy and must stop comparing yourselves with others, for you only hurt yourself when you let impatience and constant anger at people rob you of your peace and joy.
These days when I look back at things I lost my cool over, I just shake my head and laugh at myself for taking offence for such inconsequential issues. Just know that whatever you are loosing your cool for now, will have you laughing at yourself in one or two years’ time. So folks, let us take things easy and be patient with one another. We must learn to give everyone and everything time, for time fixes all.
8. Be forgiving and Resolve Conflicts Fast
Never let your anger last more than a day. Learn to forgive fast. The word of God is impeccable. Ephesians 4:26 says “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath”. I like that it says to be angry. As human beings built with emotions, you are wont to be angry, but to stay angry is where the problem lies. Staying angry will not just get you to act out poorly towards the object of your anger, but will hurt your health also. That first outburst of anger is just ok, but it becomes terrible when you seat back to plan a revenge. There is nothing that a true friend will not forgive. The major reason friends fall apart is because conflicts are mostly left unresolved. When friends are willing to address differences and grievances fast, they come to an understanding and move past the issues that might tear them apart. The best way to do this is to go about it gently with soft tunes, pointing out what exactly you are hurt about. There is something about the tune of a person’s voice that makes strong words seem gentle and resolvable.
The thing though is to cool off first before addressing any issue otherwise more error will be committed. It is better to resolve issues when not emotionally high.
9. Do not Gossip about each other
Good friends watch each other’s back and they never cooperate with others to hurt one another. Any time you feed a gossip against your friend, know that you have broken the bonds of friendship. Kill any gossip against your friend and never participate in any plot that will hurt a friend. Be a defender of your friend. I remember someone going to share a gossip about me with a friend. This friend came to my defense immediately and told the person “You do not have to gossip about her, go and ask her the truth about this issue and she will be very willing to tell you all you need to know”. And that was exactly what happened and the malicious gossip was nipped in the bud. You can do same for a dear friend or any one for that matter.
10. Respect each other, Create Boundaries and Maintain them
Respect is very important in friendship. Never talk down on your friends or take them for granted. Respect each other’s feelings and do not impose your opinion on any issue. Create boundaries based on what works for each other and do not violate them. This is because sustained boundaries enhance friendship and give friends the much needed space to thrive in their individual lives. The fact that someone is your friend does not mean that person should be denied the courtesy you accord your other acquaintances. For instance, it is still the norm to call a friend and schedule a visit instead of barging in on them unannounced, except in cases of emergency. Friends ought to know when their friends need space and when they want to hang out.
11, Be Supportive especially for Good Causes
True friends know when their friends need them to be there for them. In times of hardship, sickness or loss of loved ones or a job, friends should be by the side of their friends offering enduring support. At such times companionship and heart felt gifts are most appreciated. But these gifts must be given in humility without any string attached. Volunteering to help nurture and grow any good cause is worthy in a dying world full of hurting people. For young people still raising families, it is so cool for you to help keep an eye on your friend’s kids to allow him or her have a breather with their spouse. One night out will do wonders for a couple that have to care for three kids daily without help. Good friends should look into the lives of their friends and offer any help that will make the lives of their friends easier, after all that is what friends are for.
12. Do not expect too much from your friends
Finally, never let your expectations of a friend be more than what they have the capacity to handle. Learn to communicate what you expect from a friend instead of assuming, that way you get clarity about what the friend can or cannot do. When what is clarified also do not get done, forgive and move on. That way you know what you can trust the person with another time so you do not continue to set yourself up for disappointments. I like this quote.
Be a good friend today. Be some one’s chocolate chips.
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