In my first and second posts I have tried to explain reasons why people do not have friends and the reasons it is very important to have them. This post will be about finding and keeping true friends.
In my first post I talked about the why tree. The questioning exercise that helps you get to the root cause of issues in your life. In finding and keeping friends this will come in handy. Looking back on my life journey I wish I had always asked myself reasons for doing anything I did. Honestly if I had stopped to ask myself the reason I embarked on some risky behaviors I might have paused, slowed down or stopped completely. Self –examination is key to never missing it in life. As one of my Mentor used to say, the burden of freedom is responsibility. Any time we are forced to make a choice we choose right grudgingly and go ahead to do wrong anyway. But if we are allowed freedom to choose and we by yourselves choose to act responsibly we will most times not go wrong.
Let us now delve into the topic of the day. The question here is ;
- What kind of friend am I looking for
It is very important that before you embark on finding that much needed friend you should find out the reason why you need that friend. Is it to deal with feelings of loneliness by finding someone to party and hang out with or is it for career, business or social status advancement or better still getting to meet that special someone with whom to finally share your life with. The thing is that a lot of people dabble into relationships without really having tangible reasons why they are with certain people. Once you know the kind of friend you are looking for it helps narrow your options and guide you in your search.
- Where can I find such friends
Nice. You are now armed with a reason why you need a friend; next step is to figure out where such person will be located. The kind of friend you need will also determine where to go in search of such a person. There are so many places or events to seek out and find friends. Sometimes life happens and you just stumble on a good friend without planning for it. Places to find and make friends include
- Gymnasiums
- Professional bodies
- Networking groups
- Church and other religious groups
- Social clubs
- Sports Clubs
- Music clubs [Jazz, Reggae, Rock, High life etc]
- Book clubs
- Sports team
- Recreation Parks and Gardens
- Bars
- Museums
- Zoos,
- Art galleries
- Festivals like music, food and others
Or you can do the following
- Go Shopping
- Take a class learning a skill or hubby like dancing, painting etc,
- Take a long walk or jog with early exercisers
- Attend a seminar or workshop
- Join meetup.com
- Make new friends on face or follow up on old ones
- Join other dating sites
- Host a party or go to one
- Volunteer with an NGO fighting a worthy cause
- Visit family or friends
- Attend community fares
And be creative, think outside the box as you seek out friends.
- How do I follow up after I have met this friend or friends?
It’s very important to follow up within 24 hours after meeting someone with a message [ email or SMS or a phone call]. You can add them up in your social media handle and be subtle in your subsequent follow up messages. Never be overwhelming and do not inundate them with all manner of posts or news feeds. Keep your personal problems to yourself till the relationship is built and you are certain the person you want to share them with can handle them and be of comfort otherwise you scare them off. It is ok to be vulnerable but if you open your vulnerability to the wrong person prematurely you will be taken advantage of. There is a time for everything they say. For calls especially video ones, it is courteous to ask before calling. Find out a convenient time for calls and stick to the scheduled times.
- Start connecting with the one you flow more with
It is obvious that not all the people you meet will turn out to be your friend. When you do connect with someone who makes you feel at home you will know and that is the one to begin a strong connect with. It is very important however to be yourself while at it. Simply be authentic and genuine, fake nothing. Never do things from coercion rather be warm, show love and be respectful. As you engage, be open minded and understudy the personality and proclivities of this person. Make enquiries on grey areas instead of assuming for assumptions can be very misleading.
- Physical meetings and real bonding
It is ok to be the first to ask for a meet up. It could be for a drink or a visit to your home or any favourite place you like going to. Ask nicely but do not be pushy. As you meet, it will be nice to ask the friend if there are information about your person they want to know and you can ask the person too. This is not the place to bare all your secrets, keep it simple and also try not to be too probing here. Ask questions like what he or she does for a living, hobbies, best food, music and movies etc. You can also ask about what values, passion, priorities, dreams and goals the pewj=rson has and share yours as well. As you navigate through these questions you will decipher if the person fits into who you want to be friends with.
- Caring, nurturing, giving and loving
When you are sure you want to commit to this friendship, then be ready to care, nurture, give and love this person unconditionally. These four words are the ingredients that true relationships are made of. They are the glue that hold any friendship from falling apart. Determine in your heart to be there for this friend as much as you can. You should be ready to help your friend unconditionally without necessarily expecting anything back. If you make it a point of duty to be present in this friendship supplying these 4 gluing ingredients the chances are this friend will most probably bring them in too, but there is however no guarantee that the ratio will be same. Do not however give up even if one or two of the ingredients are lacking or in short supply, just keep on supplying the best way you know how. Be encouraged to know that time does help even the gaps up. However, even if that does not happen, never stop being good and doing good. Like I always tell people, God rewards every good thing we do for others especially when we are in need our selves. God just shows up when we least expect Him to.
I wish you God’s speed as you find this good friend you deserve. And when you do find him or her, like the African proverb says, “Hold him or her with both hands”.
In the next post we will work on how to really sustain friendships after we have found a good one. Enjoy
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