Have you gotten to the ‘place’ where it finally dawns on you that you have no friend, or better still no true friend? I mean a ‘place’ where even family members and colleagues seem to have all disappeared. This is really not a very good place to be. Not at all. I have been there and I tell you it is a dark place to be. But with a smile on my face now I boldly tell you that there is a way out of this ‘place’.
The question for anyone who is in this ‘place’ to ask is how did I get here. One major thing I learnt attending a workshop in Social and Behaviour Change Communication [SBCC] otherwise known as Communication for Development [C4D] is ‘The Five Whys’ or the “The Why Tree Analysis”. It is a questioning technique that goes beyond the symptoms of any problem to it’s underlying cause. In this case you start by asking yourself why you have no friends till you get to the root cause of your lack of friends.
No one ever gets to not having a support system made up of family and friends without contributing to it one way or the other. One’s inability for not investing time and other resources consistently into the lives of others will certainly leave one without friends. Nothing just happens, everything has it’s cause and effect. For example, if you do not honour invitations, the chances are that when you invite others they may not com
For me my questioning sequence will go like this.
- Q. Why do I not have friends.
A. Because I did not make any conscientious effort at having one
- Q. Why did I not make any conscientious effort at having one?
A. Because it is time consuming
- Q. Why do I think it is time consuming?
A. Because I do not have much time left after work related activities to making friends
- Q. Why do I not have time after work related activities
- Because by the time my day’s work is done I am too tired to do anything else.
- Q. Why do I work till I am tired
A. Because I just have too much work to do
From this scenario painted it is obvious that my inability to having friends is tied to lack of sufficient time because I work too much. Are there ways I can squeeze out time to invest in friends, ofcourse, but further probe into why I do not make out time for friends will lead to more questions and answers.
It is obvious that our inability to not having and keeping friends go deeper than what we think. If we are honest with ourselves, we will find out that deep into our subconscious mind lies deeper reasons why we cannot make or keep friends. Once we find out these deep rooted causes we can then begin to work on them till they are resolved and we begin the journey of building deeper relationships with friends, family and others.\
There are however seven core reasons why people end up not having friends.
- One’s make up from birth. Some people are naturally introverted and seem to enjoy their own company better than being with others. Some may simply like to spend time with just one trusted friend than have many friends. A lot of very creative people are loners for it allows them ample time to create.
- Family make up. The only child condition and gender mix also play a role on how people make friends. Most people who are the only child of their parents struggle with making friends. Alone with adults most times makes it a bit difficult to mix freely with peers for some. And others who find themselves to be the only sex in the midst of two or more opposite sex siblings also struggle with making friends. People in this category like me simply do not have role models at home to interact with or learn things like social skills and more.
- Low self –esteem and fear of rejection. This could be because of one’s poor economic status that peers constantly remind one of by showing off things they have that one does not have. It could also come from physical or mental abuse from home or elsewhere. There is the issue of rejection from past relationships that make people build walls of defense from further rejection.
- Disabilities and disorders. People with mental disorders or physical disabilities also find it difficult to blend in or make friends because of stigma and low self-esteem. Cruel gestures and verbal abuses coming from very insensitive people cause people with disability to withdraw from hurts that could come from people.
- Lack of social and relational skills. Lack of social skills especially in the area of emotional intelligence and other interpersonal skills hinder making and sustaining strong relationships.
- Not enough time. The pressures of the world we live in lately allow little or no time for friendship interactions that go beyond the work environment and other casual meet ups. Balancing time to meet all the demands of life is a major challenge and building bonds of friendship for many seems to suffer most.
- Trust issue. Most people have been hurt in their past relationships by people they trusted so much that they are afraid of opening their lives up for more hurt.
- Materialism. The level of materialism exhibited by people lately is amazing. Some people only make friends with people for what they can get from them. If you end up with people like these as friends, they just take and keep taking till there is nothing more to take before making exiting your life leaving you devastated when you need them most. A lot of people these days are leeches, they just take and never give back.
There are so many more reasons why people end up with having few friends or no friends at all, but whatever reason you have for not having or keeping friends, be sure that there is a way out if you are willing to seek help. It is never too late in life to begin to make amends and build a strong circle of friends as well as bond with family and colleagues. The best place to really start will be the why tree analysis. Like they say once a problem is known it is half solved.
However, it is good to know that even if you have no friends and find yourself alone most times, it has its own advantages. I have learnt a lot in my alone times more than I have learnt having and being with friends. The idea to start blogging and writing came because of all the time I had reading and hanging out with myself. Just like Timothy J Legg said “Solitude allows you to tune out chatter and other background noise and heighten your awareness of your own thoughts.” You too can do so much with your time alone even as you work on making friends.
It is never too late to do and be anything you want in this life. So enjoy where you are now as you journey to where you want to be. In the next post I will talk about how to find and keep friends. Smile life is good.
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