Another Valentine’s day has come and gone. Many got their wishes met and many had theirs dashed. Some got loved, some got hurt and many lived their lives as if there was nothing called a Valentine’s day. Can you imagine what our lives and world will be like if people woke up every day giving and receiving love. Can you also imagine what our communities will look like if we all went out of our ways to reach out to people in our lives and by extension others in need. More so, have you ever imagined what our world will be like if we all committed to acts of love daily and mostly to those who do not deserve it.
My sincere desire really is that people will treat each other daily like they want to be treated on a Valentine’s day. We should totally dedicate every day to showing someone love, for our world is in dire need of love. Food for thought for all of us.
In my last post I talked about the highs and lows of Valentine’s day. We saw how people latch on to strangers they hardly know all in the name of love and fear of being alone on Valentine’s day. Young people in particular expose their hearts to hurt, that takes half a life time or even more to heal.
The question is why should people not hang out and enjoy themselves with friends without any stress or pressure. What is wrong with celebrating friendship instead of falling prey to people who use Valentine’s day as a bait to reel vulnerable people into their nets.
For a better understanding of this post I think that knowing the true meaning of the key words friends, love and lovers will help one navigate relationships better.
Looking up the meaning of a friend this definition by ‘Your Dictionary’ made a lot of sense to me. It says: –
A FRIEND is “a person whom one knows, likes, and trusts” and loves I dare to include. My inclusion of the word love is because there is no way you will not grow to love who is trust worthy. Now let us see what friendship is. According to ‘Good Therapy’
“FRIENDSHIP is a close association between two people marked by feelings of care, respect, admiration, concern, or even love[c1] ”.
The word LOVE is defined as “a feeling of deep affection, passion or strong liking for a person or thing” by Your Dictionary.
A LOVER according to Cambridge Dictionary is “a person one is having a sexual relationship with, but is not married to”. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/love
What stood out for me as red flags at a closer look at these definitions of friend, love and lover are the words feeling and sexual relationship.
When decisions are based on the outcome of these red flags a lot can fall apart for love and lovers. But friendship which is not built on just feelings but on strong attributes of care, respect, concern, admiration and the greatest of which is trust, is sure to last.
What most people call love and pursue lately is very transient and hinges on mere feelings that can disappear with a wave of the hand. Friendship on the other hand built on care and trust, outlives emotion and feeling.
Am I saying that love is extinct No, but very few deep people truly love while the rest of the people just ride on the cliché and deceit this wonderful word love has been subjected to, lately.
A lot of people rush into relationships with lovers that lead to marriage without even knowing who these lovers truly are. How can anyone commit to who they do not know simply because of sexual chemistry especially the kind that leaves one’s stomach fluttering with butterflies. These kind of woozy light headed ecstatic feelings, may wax but they surely wane over time, leaving people’s mouth with sour metallic taste from betrayal, anger, anguish and deep seated hurt from the object of their devoted feelings or love.
It pays to build friendship first, I sure can tell you that. The question here is:
Should people not try to be friends first, studying one another with a clear head and mind without forced intimacy that sex brings to complicate things. Should there not be a checklist made and worked on to help determine compatibility before people end up with strange bed fellows.
According to Staci Lee Schnell “Knowing your spouse well is a key element in becoming or remaining best friends with your partner. Playing “get to know you” or “self-trivia” games can be a truly helpful and fun exercise. In this exercise, you quiz one another on details such as; name of your elementary school, your blood type, favorite song, or biggest turn on. You make the prize something like: who does household chores, foot or back massages, or the winner gets to pick the next movie or restaurant. Interesting. Really fun and revealing things to do with a friend, you should try doing this.
The saying that Lovers come and go is so true. Until we come to the realization that lovers come and go but friends stick it out far more longer, if not till death.
Most of us will be digging our own graves in a hurry if we do not pause to revaluate our lives. We all know the emotional upheavals that follow broken love affairs. If not for the support of friends in heart wrenching break-ups, a lot of people might have lost their minds or lives literally. Yes that is how bad a love affair gone wrong can be for some people especially teenagers. So before you allow only your feelings rule your head and life, stop your self and take your time to get to really know who you give your soul and body to.
The chances are that while you are doing your fact finding on a find you will come across not so palatable aspect of their lives, but if they have strong moral leanings, I say deal for you are not perfect yourself.
My prayer daily is that God should lead me to people who will help point my way to Him more. I think my friend Nonny is right when she says “I can do bad all by myself so I do not need people to teach me how to be bad, rather I need those that will teach me how to do good instead”
Friendship is the bedrock of every thriving life. If we can invest more on friendship, we might actually end up having our long term friends metamorphose into our spouses.
A study have shown according to Daily WTF Facts “that marrying your best friend eliminates the risk of divorce by over 70% …and these marriages are more likely to last a lifetime”.
But friends stick like glue
“Friendship improves happiness and abates misery by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief”
Cicero.
From this quote it is obvious that Cicero understood the double benefit of friendship along life’s journey.
According to one of the numerous contributors of the Christian publication of ‘Our Daily Bread,
“Good friends are great confidant’s, counselors and share burdens. Good friends multiply our joy and lighten the burden we bear”.
Relationship expert John Gottman, professor at the University of Washington, and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says
“Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship” and that friendship is the core of a strong marriage.
Gottman
Gottman’s research has shown that a high quality friendship in a marriage is an important predictor in romantic and physical satisfaction””
Staci Lee Schnell aptly puts it saying
“Friendship is one of the characteristics of a happy and lasting marriage, as well as the foundation of a healthy marriage.
Staci Lee Schnell
Research has shown that couples that have a great friendship have a higher percentage overall of marital satisfaction.
In fact, the emotional connection that married couples share is said to be five times more important than their physical intimacy.
Couples that are friends look forward to spending time together, and genuinely like one another. Their activities and interests actually become enhanced because they have their favorite person with whom to share their life experiences”.
I will live it at this and give this counsel.
Please let us stop risky behaviors that can steal the joy of a lifetime because we could not delay gratification of false induced intimacy that sex brings.
We must strive to find and keep a friend worth trusting.
We should patiently learn and relearn these friends before committing to marriage so that we can have a rewarding, peace full and joy full lives.
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