Are you forever putting off making new friends or allowing new people into your life because of fear of being hurt? You are not in this alone. Most of us have been there too. But as my people say, when has any army stopped going to battle because of fear that people will die. Or as I will say now, when did you stop entering a car or plane because of fear of accident. We can’t quit living our lives to the fullest because some bad apples[friends] tried to spoil the many good ones. By the way the Jackson’s “One bad apple” song is playing in my head as I write this.
It hurt so bad, you decided no more, I can’t let no one near my life nor my heart any more you said, so you shut the door to your heart and life and threw away the keys. Well dear, the time to search for the lost keys have come. Statistics has proven that people that have a strong support group of friends and family live happier and longer.
This article titled “The Health Benefits of strong relationships” from Harvard’s women Health watch, said that “One study, which examined data from more than 309,000 people, found that lack of strong relationships increased the risk of premature death from all causes by 50% — an effect on mortality risk roughly comparable to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, and greater than obesity and physical inactivity. Social connections like these, the article said not only give us pleasure, they also influence our long-term health in ways every bit as powerful as adequate sleep, a good diet, and not smoking. Dozens of studies have shown that people who have social support from family, friends, and their community are happier, have fewer health problems, and live longer”.
It is fool hardy then to let anyone deprive you of happiness, joy and longevity of life. Come to think of it, life is more pleasurable when shared with others. I have long walked the part of isolation and loneness to finally and evidentially believe that we all need others in our lives for it to be whole meaningfully good. I have also come to liken people and relationships to good music.
Can one person alone make the kind of music that whaoos millions of people and bring that kind of ecstatic high that grounded and rounded music delivers. Ofcourse not. Am not one for orchestra but each time I listen to some music made in orchestra style like Barry white’s love unlimited Orchestra ‘The love Theme’, Usher’s ‘Climax’, Puff Daddy and Jimmy Page, ‘No Cars Go’ by Arcade Fire and many others. The ensemble of people and musical equipment makes incredibly powerful endearing music that transcends generations.
Our lives are as rich as the number of people interactions we have had, spanning culture, colour, tribe , tongues and places .
Chinwe Aganekwu
Each person that come into our lives leaves us richer. Why you might be wandering. How could Charlie, John and James, or Alice, Victoria and Cynthia have made my life better despite the hurts and betrayals they brought. Well no single person who came into our lives left us without leaving us richer or poorer experientially. But ultimately I personally will say richer because for every hurt I experienced, I now watch out for in other relationships I engage in.
Once I detect two or more of such toxic attributes, my internally set siren or alarm starts beeping and the caution mode sets in. I quickly begin to evaluate if I should continue or exit such a relationship. I know this familiar pattern in people now and so watch out for such in any relationship. I am more aware and watchful so that I do not keep allowing toxic people, users and the other hordes from hell into my life. These people are just like birds scavenging for food, as you gather they scatter. If one of such scavengers enter your life, they plunder, loot and when they have had their fill they leave you impoverished, dry and out. One very bad scavenger can pull down all you have built in just a month or less.
But it now beholds you to begin to check for scavenging signs as you forge a new relationship. Follow this link for a check list of few scavenging signs https://www.businessinsider.com/a-psychologist-identifies-7-signs-its-time-to-let-go-of-a-friendship-2017-4?IR=T and read my post on “13 Trust Thought Provoking Questions to answer before you Deal”. Once you are sure you have detected the familiar pattern you do the following:
- Evaluate the friendship and find out if it’s worth keeping and my counsel is if its taking your joy and peace away then know it’s not worth keeping
- When you have chosen to end it, have an adult conversation with the said friend and relay your intentions in very clear terms
- When you have done the above, stop all contact with the person. Though this could hurt but you have to stick it out.
- Do not isolate, but reach out to friends, family and other support system or network you have to help cushion the effect of anger, pain, loneliness and grief you might be feeling.
5. Have a plan on how to meet and interact with more people with an intent to make new friends
6. As you meet and interact take your time to check for all the sure signs of bad, toxic and scavenger friends so you do not get caught up in the same old same old again.
7. Keep a positive and charming attitude and please purpose to be happy and all will surely work out for your good. Know that with prayers God will take you to or bring a dear friend.
After you are done doing the above, it’s now time to move into more productive and healthy relationships. Will some of the new friends you are about to make do things to hurt you again, yes they will because we are human and you are not perfect too. Like me learn how to do the following as you navigate the friendship road or journey again:-
1. Know when to fence of some that suffocate you
2. Tolerate those that are genuinely good, kind but not so together because of certain proclivities that are part of their make-up and background.
3. Slam the door of your life to the ones that try to take away your God given joy purposefully.
4. Prayerfully open your heart and life for some one good will surely come by sooner than you expect .
Just like Dennis Fisher said, “ In facing our fears and struggles , it’s vital that we yield totally to God. When we do, God can use our problems as an avenue for His power. And Sper caps it with this quote,
“Whenever life’s burdens oppress you, and trials are too much to face, remember God’s strength in your weakness; He’ll give you His power and grace. And then again “wielding our power is no substitute for yielding our will to God’s power” concludes Dennis Fisher. Let go and let God lead you to a good friend prayerfully. Nothing is impossible with Him whom we have to deal with for all good and perfect gifts comes from Him especially true friends.
[James 1:17 NIV] “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows”.
The time to make lasting true friends is now. Make plans to start and act on your plans. For more information on how to get started making new friends, read my post here titled ” Five sure ways to find and keep friends”
Please like, comment and share this post. Enjoy your life.
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