Is it nice to ghost and should the ghosted remain in limbo?, the answer to both is No with a capital N. Ghosting has become the norm for people who simply abscond in a relationship with out ending it right. These people simply walk away for reasons best known to them, leaving the object of their rejection wandering where they have gone wrong. I have been ghosted and so have so many. Well if you are the ghosted, do not beat yourself up much because we all live in a fallen world and people are not always what they seem. There are so many reasons people walk out of relationships. It could be that they are not cowards after all but simply do not like who they are with or who they just met. It could also be that they do not want the drama that goes with breaking up or that the person they are with does not measure up with their supposed standards, especially if the relationships is a new one.
The thing though is to know when you are being ghosted and to let go off that person with your self-dignity intact. I truly love what my daughter said about how it is absolutely impossible for one not to find a friend in a world with over 6 billion people. This should cheer you up if you have been ghosted. Know now that you certainly will find who really wants to be with you, just as you are, all fearfully and wonderfully made by God Himself.
Without much ado let’s dive into some of the reasons you should move on after being ghosted or if your relationship suddenly ends.
- It’s Time for a Change
Change is inevitable in life, though it often times hurt. But if everything stays the same, life will be robbed of variety and excitement. I know that no one really likes the kind of change that brings with it pains and bad memories, but change is a way of life. The most painful kind of pain is the kind caused by the sudden end of a relationship. This is the kind that leaves one unprepared. It could be the end of a friendship, a relationship with a lover, a relative, a colleague, a spouse or even loss by death.
This pain is heart wrenching especially if you are the person at the receiving end. It is really terrible when people especially friends you have invested in emotionally and otherwise just tear away from your life. Ghosting as it is called, is really a bitch says a friend. This phenomenon which has become prevalent with speed dating is bringing out the beast in people both young and old alike. It is Terrible, too too terrible, this my friend kept crying as she narrated her ordeal with someone she met and had high hopes of a relationship with. I did my best to empathize with her reassuring her that she will meet someone better some-day. But she was so devastated to hear me am sure.
It is really unsettling how people simply disappear from other’s lives with-out a good bye. These ghosters must be heartless, so into themselves they do not care what others feel by scurrying off into the night without closure. I just think some ghosters are either cowards or damn right cruel. Well all the ghosted should cheer up because that is change taking place in their lives. Change is very key to growth and makes one’s life’s experiences rich and better.
How, you might be saying, If only she knows what pain and loneliness I feel right now. I do dear, because I have been there and so have almost every one born of a woman. Painful emotions and fear of the unknown always keep people stuck in very destructive relationships, habits and many other unpleasant situations. Some people come into our lives for a particular purpose and once that purpose is served they move on, but if you do not know you cling to them and bring all the negative emotions that smother your soul, leading to even life threatening illness.
The moment one grows to know and comprehend that change is inevitable and necessary for growth, it becomes a welcome part of that life. Come to think of it, life will be so boring and unchallenging if we all are stuck in one place, with just the usual people doing same ole same ole.
When you grow to welcome change it becomes very easy to leave unsatisfying jobs even if the pay is good, get out of an unhealthy habit, no matter how far into it you have been and end a destructive relationship irrespective of how attached you have been.
I love change because it comes with a myriad of pleasant surprises if allowed it’s natural course. Change will make you venture into adventures you have long yearned for no matter your age. Yes age has nothing to do with it folks. Right now am making music, dancing, swimming and planning to visit all the places I have longed to visit, Covid restrictions and all, who cares.
Just like ghosting and many other things we have always wanted to do with our lives, something deep inside us and nature tells us that it is time to move on but because of fear of pain and the unknown we ignore many warning signs that keep us restless and unsettled. Well the time for that change has come, and if you are reading this and asking for a sign, here it is. Just do it and get your groove back on.
2. You are not the Problem, the Ghoster Is
It might often appear that the one whose friend left or ghosted has done something wrong to him or her, but the opposite is actually the case. The ones who leave without closure have character defect and need help. They lack grace and might also have been hurt so badly in the past by others. They are probably paying back what they went through in the hands of other people. So they enter other relationships comparing you with those that ghosted or hurt them in the past.
Most of the people that have been ghosted that I spoke with believe that some of the people that ghosted them were judgmental. These people they believe formed an opinion of who they thought they were even before getting to know them well. My lady friend felt that her friend simply accessed her in his head and when what he thought he wanted was not seemingly there he disappeared into the thing air. This is more so with new relationships with little or no ties especially with people in the lives of those they plan to ghost.
My take is that these kind of people are the peripheral kind with no depth and so not built to last. What worries me though is why people have sleepless nights over them.
My lady friend seemed distraught for weeks before most of my counsel sank in and she started coming out to hang with the community of friends I am building as a support system for issues like hers. I honestly wonder why people waste their emotions and time on people who do not care enough about them to end a relationship civilly. When you realise that the ghoster’s plan is not just to hurt your feelings but to make you loose your self-esteem, you will know it is not time to sit and wail or bemoan your lot. Rather you should know It is time to dust up, clean up and forge on, and this time more determined to never let loosers like that into your life ever again.
3. You Deserve Better.
You ought to know that you deserve better than you give your self-credit for. In a world of more transient people, one must not be in a hurry to engage with just any one no matter how lonely/desperate or how good the chemistry between you and the person might be. We must learn to delay sexual intimacy for it blackmails people into unwholesome damaging relationships because of the false intimacy it portends. We all must learn not to put the cart before the horse especially the women.
You must be willing to wait till you find a balanced stable personality before entering any kind of relationship, otherwise you never can be sure of what to expect. You must look intently and be sure of who you plan on relating with before opening up your heart and life except you want to be ghosted again. You should go into a relationship with someone who likes you as you are just as you do him or her, warts weaknesses and all. Just like Dr Henry Cloud said,
“it is one thing to have safety in relationship, it is quite another to be truly known and accepted in this relationship.
Dr Henry Cloud
Culled from ‘Changes that Heal, How to Understand Your past to ensure a Healthier Future’ by Dr. Henry Cloud.pg 25.
There comes a time therefore to stop, think and act despite how long a relationship has been. We all know how difficult it is to separate from a long relationship, but regardless of how long a toxic relationship is, be it a month, couple of years or decades, it must come to an end for that good one you so deserve to be allowed in. But that which you deserve will not come to be till you give up the bad one. That is the power of the change am talking about folks.
And to ghosters reading this post, you should know that what goes around comes around. The golden rule must always resonate in your head; which is
Treat others as you will have them treat you.
The Golden rule
Know that people already have so much challenges to deal with in this our troubled world, especially with covid and it’s attendant woes, so do not add more to these woes. As a human being created in God’s image, you sure can do better. We are free moral agents alright and you have the right to choose who to be with but at least have the decency, kindness and respect to end it well instead of shirking your responsibility as an adult. let there be closure so all parties can move on with less hurt people. I rest my case.
The world is no more just a merry go round, it also carries woes as it goes round, and you never know when the people you treated poorly will be the ones to help you out of a very bad situation as the merry and the woes go round.
Chinwe Aganekwu O
well, while you await the much needed change, it’s time to meet up and have a ‘lickle’ fun.
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